Why is it important to fail?

There are many things we do in life that make us feel rather overawed, or even afraid. Not because they are life changing or will make a real difference in the sum of human endeavour, but simply because we are afraid that we might not do as well as we hoped, or as well as someone else. This often means that we cannot really do our best, that we are made jittery with nerves or that we simply opt out.

Courage in what we do sounds perfectly reasonable. It is easy to think of being brave, taking a leap or running a risk, but the truth is we are often held back by the simple notion that we might fail. Children are no different. If they are under pressure always to succeed, and encouraged or helped to do so, then they learn that failure is a bad, sad or dangerous thing. In turn this makes each task laden with fear that things might not go according to plan. Pressure ironically causes this fear of failure to be reflected in underachieving. Most of the underachieving children I discuss with anxious parents are under fearful pressure, a pressure that creates failure through fear rather than drives achievement. Parental anxiety is the child’s best indicator that they are not succeeding sufficiently, so beware of the signals you give out. Sometimes, “Let’s not worry, is there something I can help you with for next time,” will help to break the panic and pressure cycle.

I was reminded of this when discussing an examination result this week with a parent of a bright and lively junior pupil. The child works hard, achieves very good class and homework results, but recently has not done so well in assessment tests. Her mum was terribly worried about this, and so was the child. I asked the mum what she thought would happen if the child really failed, (as I did not see this as a failure) and I had to hand out tissues. The child said she worried about failing because it meant she was letting her family down and she would fail her exams in the senior school and not get into university. This child is nine years old. I believe very firmly that this lovely girl is not really underachieving, nor failing, nor destined for disaster – unless her fear of failure is allowed to develop further. Wanting to do our best need not equate to being anxious about the opposite, especially if it is actually going to make things worse – our best should always be good enough.

So think very carefully about the messages you give to your children when they come home with a less than excellent result. Failing allows us to take stock, to see that the sky doesn’t fall in, that something needs changing. It can allow children who have relied on too much help to begin to take responsibility. Some children will never be good at certain things and that is OK. Failure is a life lesson. It is a useful reminder that we need to do our best, but with no fear. If failure is one of the possible outcomes we can look at squarely then the fear of failure doesn’t need to impede our efforts.