Why Do Good Manners Matter?

Why do good manners matter at all in this competitive day and age? What are good manners anyway?

For some this may appear to be about old fashioned courtesy, saying please and thank you, holding doors, helping old ladies across the street. Perhaps by doing a few formulaic things we can offer apparent kindness and make our little worlds run more smoothly. Is this little bit of altruism actually about making things work for ourselves or for other people?

The Christian Humanist view is that we should look after other people as we would like to be looked after ourselves. Christ himself asks us to do this, and to regard the lowliest among us as people of value by treating them with dignity and kindness. For me this is also about how we want to engage with the world; finding a place to belong with the people who live on this planet with me.

Ask yourself the question “Who is the nicest person I know? Someone I value and who values me. A person who I could go to with anything that troubled me, someone I trust, who will gently help me to the truth, who will ‘be there’ for me dispensing joy, wisdom and kindness”. Of course we may hope it is ourselves who are viewed as such, or that is how we may see our loved ones, or our special or old friend, or you at least know who that person might be; someone who knows and cares for you just as you are. Whoever they are I suspect they are someone with good manners. I expect they listen, make time for you, appear interested, are happy to pass the time of day, and are solicitous, kind and warm. I hope that I might be so regarded, although I know I am guilty of not making time (and always checking my phone or having somewhere else to be), but most of all I hope the children that I now teach might grow up to be that person.

How do we go about making our children into the wonderful adults they could be? I believe it starts with simple good manners. Children are naturally egocentric and they see the world through self-centred eyes. Children at play will naturally push past each other, avoid sharing and try to gain the main advantage in give and take. With little encouragement they are naturally competitive, like to be better (faster, brighter, stronger) than their peers, and enjoy demonstrating their talents and gifts, even to the detriment of their friends. So to help them to become the amazing popular friends to others that we hope they will be they need to have reflective thought processes introduced to them, the perspectives that others might have of them and the way others might feel.

Empathy starts with good manners, understanding that an engagement with someone else has a meaning and a purpose beyond the business of functional communication. So we want them to learn to say please and thank you because it offers dignity and value to the person they are speaking to. Stepping back or holding a door open to allow someone else to pass reminds us that we all have a role to play in making life pleasant for each other, and shows respect. Saying good morning, and looking at the person they are speaking to creates a bond of communication. We all know that a smile shared can lift a grey day!

So this week a focus on manners might make busy life a bit more pleasant for all. Children need lots of encouragement to understand that they are not the very centre of the universe, but telling them is unlikely to help, and can be unhelpful to a developing self-esteem. However, training them (by copying us) to take simple actions that validate others, that enable them to understand how to respect people by small acts of kindness and courtesy, these are the starting place. To grow up with a warm understanding of others and an ability to be a good friend brings its own happiness, perhaps one that is unfashionable when thinking about success, but being rich and fulfilled is about more than money.

What I hear referred to as ‘bullying’ is more often than not simply a rough and tumble lack of simple kind good manners. Children that push others or manage themselves to the front to assert themselves or their will over others are often unaware of the impact they are having on their peers. Rather than a consistent calculated attitude to nastiness they trip into it by overenthusiastic or thoughtless approaches to other people that speak of lack of understanding of the other and what they might want or be feeling. Sadly these are the very children that end up mystified when they have few close friends, and cannot see why they are considered unkind or rough. So I tell them that if they want to have a friend, they must be a friend – and it starts by showing good manners: sharing, caring, listening, standing back and saying please and thank you.

I wonder whether we confuse our children. We know they have rights and we fight for them. We want them to get ahead and we tell them so. We let them hear us compete with each other, or even bend the truth to manage our own lives. They learn from any self-motivated actions we take that deny the importance of someone else. If we do everything for our children it is no wonder they take little responsibility for their actions. If we let them believe they are the most important person in the solar system they won’t understand the cooperative compassion and respect that makes the world go round, and contributes to their own happiness. Unfortunately the last step in this process is to leave the learning of good manners until too late, to let schools teach it, to save it for a day when we are less busy (good manners can’t be used in a hurry) or to say one thing and then do another.

This week I would love to see the pupils in my care taking a little extra time to remember their manners and to take that step towards being the most wonderful person they can be.

Good day to you all.